On the Slope of a Pectoral: A Rumination on the Sideboob of Colton Haynes

Colton Haynes is a man of many chiseled faces but only one pair of spectacular pecs that put most award show attendees to shame. With this incredibly insightful, deeply meaningful post I will explore the many sides of Colton Haynes' boobs and the angles at which they can best be viewed.

In this rare photograph we find Colton Haynes exposed to the eye of a camera, turned just enough to display the masculine curve of his chest, the lighting positioned to cast an arousing shadow over the left half of his rib cage.

Here we bear witness to the mating ritual of a wild Colton Haynes, biting a piece of scrap material from a nearby artist's den. With his arms clenched to his sides, Haynes' right pec pops just enough to supply us with a view of its supple slope.

In this filtered candid we get the rare glimpse of what shall heretofore be named "the Peak-a-Boo Boob." Beneath the fabric of this grey tank lie the spectacular pectoral muscles of lore, given just enough room to breathe through arm-holes that are far too small to be of any benefit to society in this harsh urban setting.

This photograph captures the sideboob of an intellectual Colton Haynes, bathing in the sun on what appears to be someone's front porch. What few might consider public indecency, scholars like ourselves can appreciate the artistic and appealing way that the natural light strikes the bulging musculature of his chest.

This image carries great emotional resonance as it may capture a rare downtrodden moment in Colton Haynes' otherwise magnificent life. One can deduce from the unnatural frown on his clean-shaven face and the shadow cast on the cheap wallpaper behind him that Haynes was reluctant to expose himself to the camera. Alternatively, one could argue that Haynes is merely using his world-renowned brooding abilities to lure in his prey before he crushes them between his man-breasts.

One of many candids taken of Colton Haynes on various beaches, this shot of him nursing what appears to be overpriced Starbucks Lemonade shows that his chest is always prepared to be photographed, thus proving that Haynes is fully aware that Google Earth is always taking pictures.

Here we find an amazing example of the casual, easy magnificence of Colton Haynes' pecs. Even while power-walking through a horde of tourists in Australia, Haynes perky breasts pop against the cerulean shore.

 

Another image that expertly captures a chilly Colton Haynes spontaneously spending the day at the beach, his muscles pulled taut against the cold, a pointed silhouette of his pecs created against the sandy backdrop.

In a more festive photograph, Colton Haynes is spreading Christmas cheer with two ornaments of his own while chatting with fans on social media. Here the gentle overhead lighting allows for just enough darkness to emphasize the curve of not only his pectorals but the many ridges of his abdomen as well. Also, please note the veins over his flexed bicep, like garland on a tree.

This image shows Colton Haynes hiding his sideboob from the camera, pouting while trapped beneath packed sand. Yet, even still, the crevice created between his pecs is a fantastic example of cleavage that scholars should include in future editions of anatomy textbooks.

In conclusion, Colton Haynes is a man of many talents but his most precious gifts are those that he carries close to his heart - and are beloved within our own. For further intellectual viewing pleasure, here are those national treasures in motion: