VAMPIRE DIARIES 5.19 "Man on Fire" Review: I'm Gonna Grab Barbie's Neck and Squeeze Until Her Expandable Hair Falls Out

What a brutal, beautiful episode from start to finish. Excellent performances and direction and an even better script made this a real highlight in an otherwise lackluster last half of the CW staple's fifth season.

Believing that Stefan killed the love of his life, Maggie, Enzo holds Stefan and Elena hostage with Olivia’s help. After some stake twisting, Damon arrives to confess that he was the one who squeezed and squeezed and squeezed until Maggie’s head popped off back in 1960. Enzo turns his humanity off and abducts Elena but Stefan is hot on his trail, swiftly punching his fist through Enzo’s beautiful chest. Enzo, however, is oddly pleased: what better revenge is there than for Stefan to kill his brother’s best friend? He then pushes away from Stefan, leaving his own heart in Stefan’s hand. Ew and sad. Stefan, Elena, and Bonnie conspire to tell Damon that Enzo left town while Bonnie also lies to Jeremy about the awful truth that her time is quickly running out as the Other Side disintegrates.

Elsewhere, Tyler learns that the Travelers, under Markos’ command, are using doppelganger blood to undo witches’ magic, which is there means of finally settling down. How do they figure this out? By having Sloan feed on Tyler, slit her throat, bring her back, have her drink the last of Stefan and Elena’s blood that the Travelers have on tap, and then watch her drop dead all over again because magic is no longer keeping her alive. Brutal. Unfortunately, this means that Markos is intent on getting even more doppelganger blood so his gang of Travelers can all partake in the magic-canceling goodness and they can finally find a home.

Let me give it to you straight: this episode was a slam-dunk. Wow. Solid character development for both Damon and Enzo from start to finish with a fascinating conflict for Stefan along the way. Bonnie had a great role, facing her own mortality yet again without it being repetitive, and Tyler helped advance the overall plot of the season. Everyone turned in fantastic performances but I feel like Michael Malarkey is the obvious MVP (although Kat Graham and Ian Somerhalder gave excellent performances and Paul Wesley was clearly having fun so the whole world was having fun with him). The fact that the love triangle was nonexistent in this episode proved that it has become extraneous dead weight, dragging down potential development in previous episodes of this season. Let’s let the characters breathe and deal with life like they did in this episode rather than forcing them into ridiculous fanfiction-like circumstances just to test the strength of their romantic relationships, huh? 

This episode gets an astounding A+ from me. What a riveting, dark, and funny (YAY, PAUL WESLEY!) script and the direction was especially gorgeous (THOSE SETS!).

ARROW 2.20 "Seeing Red" Review: When It Comes to Your Children, No Decision is Impossible

I had to sit with this monstrous episode for ten minutes before I could start writing. That’s how difficult it was for me to process the events that just went down. Here I expected “Seeing Red” to be a Roy-centric outing but what we got was another well-balanced episode that blew up at least one relationship and drove a sword through a character’s heart. And, dear lord, was I not ready for any of it.

THE ORIGINALS 1.19 "An Unblinking Death" Recap: The Bell Jar

Tonight’s episode followed two riveting plots and the fallout of each: Father Kieran’s deterioration under the witches’ curse and a lethal attack on the werewolves’ camp in the Bayou. As a result, we were rewarded to Klaus making one giant, authentic leap forward in his character development, Marcel proving that he is not above devious scheming, and Hayley being undermined by an untrustworthy growler. Oh, and two deaths.

ARROW: The Thea Thing

The inclusion of Thea Queen was the one thing that worried me most about “Arrow.” The troubled teen sister reeked of the CW’s typical interference in the creative direction of a show. It’s a misguided attempt to inject youth into an otherwise adult cast, fearing that their key demographic – teen girls – won’t tune in if there are no teen girls in the cast to watch.

Fortunately, it worked out for “Arrow.” Thea Queen has never been the typical, rebellious girl-on-the-brink-of-womanhood, an archetype repeated far too often on CW shows (ahem, Jenny Humphrey). Instead, she’s proven herself to be a key part of Oliver Queen’s support system and an interesting character in her own right.

Yet one of my biggest grievances with the second season of the CW’s superhero hit is the seeming demotion of Thea from Oliver’s sister to Roy’s girlfriend, stripping her of the potential for a storyline separate from her love life. The recent revelation that she is really the daughter of the villainous Malcolm Merlyn is certainly a step in the right direction but I can’t help but feel that there is more that can be done to develop Thea Queen.

THE ORIGINALS: When You Play the Game of Thrones, You Win or You Die

I recently tweeted that Hayley is the Daenerys Targaryen of “The Originals.” There are sufficient parallels to be made between the two, in my opinion, however, after the beautiful, wonderful Carina MacKenzie retweeted my comment, the comparison came under rather intense scrutiny. I subsequently followed it by connecting characters from “The Originals” to their “Game of Thrones” counterparts - but I know as well as anyone else that Twitter isn’t the best medium for such an extensive task so I figured I’d lay it all out here.

So if Hayley is Dany, where do the other characters stand? In King’s Landing? North of the Wall? On the battlefield, perhaps?

Make Believe Casting Director: 10 Recently Unemployed Actors and Where I'd Like to See Them Next

 

As a rule, one cannot become too accustomed to having specific actors in their lives all the time always. It’s unfortunate but it’s true. Contracts expire, creative direction demands death, and sometimes unexpected decisions get made at the last minute that result in the departure of a beloved character. It’s heartbreaking to watch TV. But, fortunately, TV is also slightly incestuous, recasting our favorites time and time again as if there are no other actors in the universe.

Here are my top ten actors that need to return to my television and the shows I’d most like to see them show up on in the near future.

*Fair Warning: There be spoilers ahead for "Sons of Anarchy," "Game of Thrones," "Teen Wolf," "The Good Wife," and "Hannibal." Continue at your own risk.

On the Slope of a Pectoral: A Rumination on the Sideboob of Colton Haynes

Colton Haynes is a man of many chiseled faces but only one pair of spectacular pecs that put most award show attendees to shame. With this incredibly insightful, deeply meaningful post I will explore the many sides of Colton Haynes' boobs and the angles at which they can best be viewed.